Stephen Colbert Turns a Horoscope Story into a Late-Night Firestorm — and Puts Trump and Epstein Back in the Spotlight

When the screen lit up and The Late Show theme music kicked in, Stephen Colbert walked out with his usual half-serious, half-sarcastic grin. “Welcome one and all, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Welcome to The Late Show! I’m your host, Stephen Colbert,” he said, setting the stage for a night full of laughs — and some sharp political jabs.

Colbert opened with a topic that sounded harmless enough: astrology. He pointed to a New York Times article revealing that our zodiac signs are about 2,000 years out of date because of the Earth’s axial wobble. “No wonder today’s horoscope told me to clear my house of clutter and support Emperor Tiberius’ conquest of Dalmatia!” Colbert joked. He explained that the stars shift by about one degree every 70 years, and after 2,000 years, that means everyone’s zodiac sign has moved back by about a month.

“My whole life I thought I was a Taurus — turns out I’m a Gemini,” Colbert said with mock horror. “That changes everything. It’s like thinking you’re a Charlotte and finding out you’re a Hufflepuff. How am I supposed to live now?” The audience roared with laughter, but Colbert was only getting warmed up.

“Today’s horoscope should have warned Donald Trump that he’d have a surprise run-in with a long-lost pervert,” Colbert pivoted, “because the story of his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein just got worse.”

The Late Show host laid out the bombshell news: the House Oversight Committee had just released a letter Donald Trump allegedly wrote to Epstein for his 50th birthday back in 2003. According to The Wall Street Journal, the letter was framed by a hand-drawn outline of a naked woman — and Trump’s squiggly signature appeared below her waistline, apparently to mimic pubic hair.

Colbert called it “a Picasso of pervitude.” Trump has denied the letter’s existence, even suing The Wall Street Journal for $20 billion. But now, the letter has been authenticated, coming directly from the Epstein estate — and the signature matches Trump’s from that era. “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck,” Colbert quipped, “that duck should not be allowed within 300 yards of a school.”

But perhaps more revealing than the letter itself was the reaction from Trump’s allies. Colbert played a clip of Speaker of the House Mike Johnson flatly saying, “I don’t think it’s real.” Colbert mocked him with a callback to The Emperor’s New Clothes, comparing Johnson to the character who insists everything is fine while the truth is on full display.

Some Republicans went even further, floating conspiracy theories. Representative Tim Burchett suggested the signature could have been forged using an autopen. Colbert seized the moment to spin an absurd scenario: in 2003, a time-traveling Joe Biden bursts into Epstein’s birthday party with an autopen to sabotage future Apprentice-host Donald Trump, hesitates for a moment, then hears a young Illinois politician utter the words that change history: “Yes, we can.” Colbert, imitating Biden’s voice, added, “And when you’re done, Joe, make me a fake birth certificate too.”

Eric Trump also jumped to his father’s defense, insisting: “My dad does not sketch cartoons. He doesn’t even remember birthdays!” Colbert pounced: “He doesn’t remember birthdays, true — he just goes on a business trip and when he comes back, he brings you a present… a new mommy.”

The release from the Oversight Committee didn’t just include Trump’s letter. They published the entire 200-page “birthday book” that Ghislaine Maxwell had compiled for Epstein, filled with letters, photos, and even a cookie recipe. “At some point in the past 20 years, someone has eaten one of these cookies, asked for the recipe, and been told, ‘Don’t worry about it. Seriously, stop asking questions about the cookies,’” Colbert joked.

The book reportedly contains letters from Mar-a-Lago members, inside jokes referencing alleged sex crimes, bikini photos, and even a page where a woman apparently dipped her breast in paint and pressed it onto the paper “in honor of Epstein’s 50th barf-day,” as Colbert put it. “When you’re looking through this book,” he added, “every day is barf-day.”

Colbert also mentioned a mock photo in which Epstein holds a fake novelty check made out to him by Trump, alongside a note joking that Epstein had sold Trump a woman for $22,500. “Maybe it was a joke,” Colbert said, “but when people who know you personally are making inside jokes about sex crimes… that’s not a great sign.”

After skewering Trump and Epstein, Colbert turned to a far more serious topic: a new Supreme Court ruling allowing ICE agents to target people for deportation based on race or language. “So they can arrest you for speaking Spanish?” Colbert asked. “That’s going to ruin karaoke night. ‘Ma’am, step away from the mic. You are being detained for aggravated La Bamba with intent to dissent.’”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor, the first Hispanic member of the Supreme Court, issued a blistering dissent, warning that the ruling effectively declares all Latinos — citizens or not — fair game for arrest at any time. Colbert quipped that ICE might have a hard time finding the most famously elusive Latina of all: Carmen Sandiego.

As the show wrapped up, Colbert reminded viewers that these stories — from horoscopes and Trump’s incriminating letter to troubling Supreme Court decisions — aren’t just fodder for jokes. They’re a reflection of how chaotic and politically charged the world has become. His job, he said, is to help the audience laugh through the madness while still seeing the truth for what it is.